so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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