I wish my penis had an off switch
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
