i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
