I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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