all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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