wake up i wanna do it froggy style
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
