I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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