take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
