so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
