Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
