woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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