So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
