my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
