Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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