i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
