we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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