she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
