shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
NoShamevember. You game?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
