3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
