I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
