worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
How naked do you want me to be?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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