You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
