i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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