no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
