Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
