I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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