Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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