I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You can't just leave with hair like that
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize