The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Randomize
