That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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