She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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