Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
