one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
