I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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