Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
