New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
