The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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