I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
