i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We are two peas in an std pod
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
