im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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