cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
