why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
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You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
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i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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