Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
