Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
