Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
