My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
