No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
