Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
