as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
