my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
