trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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