i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
