it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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