apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
