I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
