Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
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You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
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The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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